Works 4 Me Wednesday: How to have an argument
Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
It's no secret that January has proven to be one of the most stressful and frustrating months of my entire life. And naturally, when stress hits, exhaustion sets in and thus patience is thin and arguments begin. And if I can be totally honest, and although I am a bit ashamed to admit it, this month has drummed up more arguments with my spouse than is typical for us. In fact, while we occassionally don't see eye to eye on subjects, we rarely have heated arguments. In the (almost) 8 years that we've been married I can count on one hand (and I remember the specifics of) the number of major arguments we've had. But this month... we've had several. Looking back, they were insignificant. They weren't about anything that really mattered and most were a result of exhaustion and stress. But, each provided a lesson in love, patience, and acceptance for me as a wife. I wanted to share with you, my readers, what I gained this month from these moments of frustration. * Take Some Time My husband is the type who likes to hammer at a problem right away until it is resolved. I, on the other hand, need some time to process my thoughts and feelings of anger before I am ready to have a confrontation. It's okay to take a few moments to process what you're feeling before beginning a discussion of discourse with your spouse. Doing so can help to calm emotions, set thoughts straight, and drum up careful words needed in moments of disagreement. * Speak in a calm voice Yelling doesn't help solve the problem. It only causes the other person to become more defensive, shut down faster, and stop listening sooner. It doesn't exemplify an attitude of love or compassion. Often you get away from the actual argument at hand when you yell. When you speak in a calm, clear voice arguments are resolved sooner and you send the message to your spouse that you are listening and that you want to come to an agreement. * Arguments are not a good place to exaggerate I am SOOO guilty of using the words ALWAYS and NEVER when having arguments with my husband. These are very accusational words. Do I really believe my husband NEVER helps me with the kids at bedtime? Of course I don't. In fact, he helps me 90% of the time. But catch me on a day when he didn't help me or didn't help me 2 days in a row (heaven forbid) and it will feel like he NEVER helps. And when frustrated, that's what will come out in words during an argument. Be careful in your word choice. Using other words to describe frequency like, "hardly," "most of the time," "often" or "a lot" would convey your point in a much less harsh way. *Stick to the argument at hand It is very easy to begin one argument only to pull in other accusations and negative statements as you go. For example, perhaps you're arguing about taking the trash out and it's sounding something like, "...and anyways, not only do I have to take the trash out every week, but I also have to clean the lint trap in the dryer every Saturday too. And I suppose locking the front door at bedtime is my job too daily? Perhaps if you weren't too busy playing farmville on the computer at 11pm every night you could pack the kid's lunches to help me out too. What kind of father doesn't pack his kid's lunches..." Do you see how that argument about taking the trash out quickly turned into an argument that attacks parenting skills? Stick to the argument at hand. Stay focused on what you're really upset about and seek to resolve that one issue. * Don't forget to apologize when wrong and end with I love you As a first grade teacher, and a mom, I strive to convey the importance of acknowledging when you've wronged someone. I require my first graders and my own children at home to apologize and seek forgiveness of those they've hurt. I aim to help them to end their arguments on a positive note and with the closure e that their relationships can be repaired and they can move on positively just by saying those simple words of "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." Don't forget that your spouse deserves the same. What's your best advice for arguing with your spouse in a loving manner? I'd love to hear it. Shoot me an email :melanie@dearlydomestic.com or leave me a comment on this post. Thanks for reading! 
